Thursday, May 24, 2007
Beware! I bite!
This week has been pretty tough for me. There's lots of internal conflict going on inside my mind. The beginning of the week was worrying about my projects and staying back late in school. It got me really grumpy and tired and I couldn't even sleep well each night.
Now, my lappy problem starts creeping in, common test is coming sooo soon but I've not started revising anything. Not to forget Gucci, whom I constantly worry about.
And all I can say is, I'm at my limits already.
Denise told me before that she thinks that I am very independent. I do not deny the fact, though I'm not independent financially like Angie.
I'm indepedent in the sense that, when things go wrong, things screwed up, I will stand up for myself and do things that I'm supposed to do. But most of the time, I do not like being independent. I find it a burden.
For example, when I first lost my lappy, I went to the police station and make a police report all by myself. I know it may sound pretty easy, but mentally it isn't easy. I'm doing something that I've not done before and there's a certain amount of fear and uncertainty in me. When I'm already feeling so upset about the loss of my lappy, I still had to deal with the fear and uncertainty inside me and try to face the problem. Trust me, I don't want to go through that feeling again.
I think my parents treat me worse than Gucci-a bitch. My mum boiled milk for her every morning, bought brown rice specially for her, cut apples for her etc. But I don't get any breakfast or dinner prepared by her. She even refuses to rub my orh cheh for me, and you know when you rub orh cheh yourself it seems extremely painful because it's like you're hurting yourself.
Up till now, my orh cheh has not healed at all.
I'm not trying to say that my parents dont care about me (though sometimes I feel that way). But people tells me that my parents treat me like that because they think I'm independent.
Seriously, I hate being independent. I'm dying to rely on someone, someone who can help me share my burden, at least make me forget why I'm sad. '
I'm forced to be independent, but I hate it!
What made me broke down these days is my lappy issue. It's due to financial reasons and my dad refuses to get me a light lappy so that I can carry it to school easily. Everyone have light and compact lappy and they don't understand the hassle I had when I carry my lappy around. I totally understand my dad's situation, and I'm trying ways to find if I can help.
I suggested going to get a lappy during IT fair (which is very soon), but he die die also want a lappy from Dell because they might quote us a special price (but Dell lappys are very BIG AND HEAVY, and I don't think the special price is any special). And worse still, he wants me to email the Dell personel.
I don't even have time to do my tutorial these days, and now I have to settle something that I know nuts about. This is seriously driving me nuts!!!
I think I'm going mad. I can just scream and cry just the thought of that, and I've been doing it consecutively. It's scary.
But I feel better now, after hugging Gucci. She was being a dear just now by lying beside me quietly and letting me stroke her. Somehow I think she knows that I'm sad too.
I like Gucci when she's quiet and sleepy, but not the 'bitey' side of her. It also drives me nuts!
Having a dog maybe will make one feel better. =)
[PS: Even though Jack drives now, I don't feel that fab as I thought I would have felt. Maybe somethings will always be the same. ]
Now, my lappy problem starts creeping in, common test is coming sooo soon but I've not started revising anything. Not to forget Gucci, whom I constantly worry about.
And all I can say is, I'm at my limits already.
Denise told me before that she thinks that I am very independent. I do not deny the fact, though I'm not independent financially like Angie.
I'm indepedent in the sense that, when things go wrong, things screwed up, I will stand up for myself and do things that I'm supposed to do. But most of the time, I do not like being independent. I find it a burden.
For example, when I first lost my lappy, I went to the police station and make a police report all by myself. I know it may sound pretty easy, but mentally it isn't easy. I'm doing something that I've not done before and there's a certain amount of fear and uncertainty in me. When I'm already feeling so upset about the loss of my lappy, I still had to deal with the fear and uncertainty inside me and try to face the problem. Trust me, I don't want to go through that feeling again.
I think my parents treat me worse than Gucci-a bitch. My mum boiled milk for her every morning, bought brown rice specially for her, cut apples for her etc. But I don't get any breakfast or dinner prepared by her. She even refuses to rub my orh cheh for me, and you know when you rub orh cheh yourself it seems extremely painful because it's like you're hurting yourself.
Up till now, my orh cheh has not healed at all.
I'm not trying to say that my parents dont care about me (though sometimes I feel that way). But people tells me that my parents treat me like that because they think I'm independent.
Seriously, I hate being independent. I'm dying to rely on someone, someone who can help me share my burden, at least make me forget why I'm sad. '
I'm forced to be independent, but I hate it!
What made me broke down these days is my lappy issue. It's due to financial reasons and my dad refuses to get me a light lappy so that I can carry it to school easily. Everyone have light and compact lappy and they don't understand the hassle I had when I carry my lappy around. I totally understand my dad's situation, and I'm trying ways to find if I can help.
I suggested going to get a lappy during IT fair (which is very soon), but he die die also want a lappy from Dell because they might quote us a special price (but Dell lappys are very BIG AND HEAVY, and I don't think the special price is any special). And worse still, he wants me to email the Dell personel.
I don't even have time to do my tutorial these days, and now I have to settle something that I know nuts about. This is seriously driving me nuts!!!
I think I'm going mad. I can just scream and cry just the thought of that, and I've been doing it consecutively. It's scary.
But I feel better now, after hugging Gucci. She was being a dear just now by lying beside me quietly and letting me stroke her. Somehow I think she knows that I'm sad too.
I like Gucci when she's quiet and sleepy, but not the 'bitey' side of her. It also drives me nuts!
Having a dog maybe will make one feel better. =)
[PS: Even though Jack drives now, I don't feel that fab as I thought I would have felt. Maybe somethings will always be the same. ]
Labels: musings
this heart of mine confessed at 5/24/2007 11:05:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart