Saturday, August 19, 2006
I'm not courageous enough.
At 17, it's somehow between the stage where you are an adult and you are a kid. I believe I'm more of the kid stage, where my thinking is still very immature and self-centred. All I think about is more or less about me, myself and I.
I don't know why, but I just had this urge, just had this feeling to read my bestie's blog after all these months of treating it as a forbidden object. In the past, I feared of being upset everytime I read it. But today, it took me quite some courage to click on that link, not for any other reason, but just to find out how she's been for the past few months.
And the very first entry I saw, was that her grandfather passed away. I felt really bad, for not being the one there for her. I remembered years ago when her other grandfather passed away, I was the one whom she confided to on the phone, sobbing away and I can't control my tears either though I tried to hide it. I know I'm not a very good person to confide to but she still chose me.
But I am really sorry that I'm not there anymore this time. I would love to be there. I don't know what to say to her, but I hope I can comfort her in some way.
And then I scrolled down, and look at how happy her life is right now. For the past few months, if I had seen such blog entries, I would certainly feel upset because I'm not part of her life anymore. But today, I felt happy for her. Happy that she's still smiling and laughing out loud everyday with wonderful friends that I hope she will keep for life. =)
I don't know what cause this change of feelings but I kind of feel good seeing her enjoying her life.
And as I scrolled down more, I saw an entry, as if it was dedicated to me, or maybe it was. I felt so... ... I don't know. It was somehow as if she was saying it all to me in person.
After reading that, thoughts circled my mind, but all I would really love to do is hug her, cry on her shoulders and asked if we could be friends again.
I admit that sometimes I have this naive daydream, that maybe a year or 2 later, one day she'll just come and look for me and, ta-dah! we'll be best friends again. But of course that is impossible, sort of. All starts today.
There are certain times when I had an urge to SMS a goodnight message, or email something sweet, but I just doesn't have the courage to do so. I know I'm a coward, there are many things I would want to do, but I just lack the courage to do so, and therefore, it lead to our friendship still being stagnant. I am guilty of the many things I should have done but didn't do because of the lack of courage and being more concerned about my pride. I know I should have tried harder to try to solve the problem, but perhaps because of my immaturity and self-centredness that I didn't do anything. But afterall, it might just be too late for anything to be said right now.
I admit too, that there are times when I'm mad at her, for not doing somethings that I expected. But seriously, sometimes this madness would last for a few days, maybe a few weeks. And after that, I'm put everything behind. Perhaps it's because I've learnt to let go slowly.
I'm sorry for having negative thoughts sometimes. But I guess that no amount of Sorrys are enough for this.
I don't know what will happen in the future. Of course I hope we could be like before, celebrating every birthday together, visiting each other's house, taking neoprints together, celebrating different kinds of festivals together and just being part of each other's lives.
But then again, I think she deserves better friends than me. She deserves someone who makes her laugh and smile and someone who can comfort her and cheer her up when she's sad. Not me, whom makes people mad, makes people endure my unpleasant complains and whining, who is always so insensitive to other's feelings. She doesn't deserve someone who's immature and self-centred.
But no matter what, I would like to tell her that our last neoprint taken together is still kept in my wallet, and I still go around showing it to my friends and telling them that she is my best friend. I choose to remember those happy memories and slowly let go of those that are more unpleasant.
Whatever it is, I hope she can keep smiling and being the apple of everyone's eye, like what she always is.
I don't know why, but I just had this urge, just had this feeling to read my bestie's blog after all these months of treating it as a forbidden object. In the past, I feared of being upset everytime I read it. But today, it took me quite some courage to click on that link, not for any other reason, but just to find out how she's been for the past few months.
And the very first entry I saw, was that her grandfather passed away. I felt really bad, for not being the one there for her. I remembered years ago when her other grandfather passed away, I was the one whom she confided to on the phone, sobbing away and I can't control my tears either though I tried to hide it. I know I'm not a very good person to confide to but she still chose me.
But I am really sorry that I'm not there anymore this time. I would love to be there. I don't know what to say to her, but I hope I can comfort her in some way.
And then I scrolled down, and look at how happy her life is right now. For the past few months, if I had seen such blog entries, I would certainly feel upset because I'm not part of her life anymore. But today, I felt happy for her. Happy that she's still smiling and laughing out loud everyday with wonderful friends that I hope she will keep for life. =)
I don't know what cause this change of feelings but I kind of feel good seeing her enjoying her life.
And as I scrolled down more, I saw an entry, as if it was dedicated to me, or maybe it was. I felt so... ... I don't know. It was somehow as if she was saying it all to me in person.
After reading that, thoughts circled my mind, but all I would really love to do is hug her, cry on her shoulders and asked if we could be friends again.
I admit that sometimes I have this naive daydream, that maybe a year or 2 later, one day she'll just come and look for me and, ta-dah! we'll be best friends again. But of course that is impossible, sort of. All starts today.
There are certain times when I had an urge to SMS a goodnight message, or email something sweet, but I just doesn't have the courage to do so. I know I'm a coward, there are many things I would want to do, but I just lack the courage to do so, and therefore, it lead to our friendship still being stagnant. I am guilty of the many things I should have done but didn't do because of the lack of courage and being more concerned about my pride. I know I should have tried harder to try to solve the problem, but perhaps because of my immaturity and self-centredness that I didn't do anything. But afterall, it might just be too late for anything to be said right now.
I admit too, that there are times when I'm mad at her, for not doing somethings that I expected. But seriously, sometimes this madness would last for a few days, maybe a few weeks. And after that, I'm put everything behind. Perhaps it's because I've learnt to let go slowly.
I'm sorry for having negative thoughts sometimes. But I guess that no amount of Sorrys are enough for this.
I don't know what will happen in the future. Of course I hope we could be like before, celebrating every birthday together, visiting each other's house, taking neoprints together, celebrating different kinds of festivals together and just being part of each other's lives.
But then again, I think she deserves better friends than me. She deserves someone who makes her laugh and smile and someone who can comfort her and cheer her up when she's sad. Not me, whom makes people mad, makes people endure my unpleasant complains and whining, who is always so insensitive to other's feelings. She doesn't deserve someone who's immature and self-centred.
But no matter what, I would like to tell her that our last neoprint taken together is still kept in my wallet, and I still go around showing it to my friends and telling them that she is my best friend. I choose to remember those happy memories and slowly let go of those that are more unpleasant.
Whatever it is, I hope she can keep smiling and being the apple of everyone's eye, like what she always is.
this heart of mine confessed at 8/19/2006 01:40:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart